John 16:20 “I tell you the truth you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy”.
As the world around me rejoices in the spirit of Christmas, my inner battle still rages on. My mind is filled with equal weight of both and, equal and opposite emotions and thoughts. They feel like several unraveled balls of yarn tangled together and I am grasping at the threads trying to make sense of them.
Today I went up front for prayer after the service. As hands were placed on me and Pastor Tommy began to pray, he said he felt like God was telling him that “HE would began to untangle the twisted parts of me, like a rope that is coming untwined and that restoration would come.” The tears began to flow and a wave of relief washed over me, relief that my prayers have not been empty, relief that my hidden tears have been seen, relief that my cries are being heard, and relief that I am NOT crazy, relief that this feeling of tangled-up-ness is REAL.
The revelation is that I have been abused, and trained to act a certain way, respond a certain way, believe a certain way, to never listen to the inner voice that tells me “this is wrong”, and to never question my abuser. The fact that I am no longer in the abusive environment has not changed the ingrained thinking. The ingrained thinking, and the head knowledge of truth and correct thinking, are waging war against each other. The enemy has a grasp on my soul that started while I was still in the womb. There are places in me that I have no idea how to make right, but God does.
Ephesians 6:12 “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
This struggle is not my own. This struggle is not of flesh and blood. This is a spiritual struggle, an unseen prison that I have been locked in for so long that freedom seems unnerving to me. Like a trained elephant, I was chained as a baby, at first I fought the binds, but soon learned that I was no match for them, and no one was coming to my rescue, so I stopped struggling for freedom and learned to endure to the point of compliant submission. That is why an adult elephant can be tied with a mere rope and will not struggle to break free, even though a rope is no match against its adult strength.
Compliance. Loss of hope. Living becomes enduring. Truth and lies entangle themselves until you cannot separate them. It feels crazy, it feels maddening, and it feels beyond God. So I have been given a hope today that slowly God will help me untangle the truths from the lies and that my thinking will be restored, my mind reset from that of a slave into that of a daughter of a King.
Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”