Waking up

A sweet little girl, your whole life’s ahead of you. All your hopes and dreams. Little girls seem to have this built in agenda that just is. You grow up, you date, you fall in love, you get married and you have kids and maybe even a career. It is just the way things are “supposed to be”. Sure there may be set backs here and there but ultimately that is the goal, the plan, the approved and expected societal outcome. There is no talk of a plan B. There is no other option that is as accepted and supported by society. It’s just expected and met with confusion and suspicion when it doesn’t happen like that, especially for the little girl.

When you spend your childhood, adolescence, college years, and on in survival mode your normal is quite different from the majority, and the kicker is that you are not even aware that you are in survival mode, your body does it all on it’s own. When your body and mind are focused on surviving and you are isolated from healthy people, you are not taught social cues and proper relational styles. You are not taught that how you see and respond to the world is different from the norm. You are not taught how to fit in, and that is a breeding ground for more isolation. People think you are “different” and they don’t know what to do with different. You have no idea that you are different, and it is confusing. More than anything else you WANT the societal norm, but the damage has been done and the wheels have already been put in motion and a cycle far beyond your understanding has been set .

Like a patient who has spent decades in a coma, you simply survive, for years, aging and surviving. The people around you live and grow and the dance of time takes them from one stage of life to the next.  Childhood, adolescence, college, young adult, 30’s, 40’s….and then you start to wake up. Your peers are no longer your peers because you have nothing in common, you’ve missed a lifetime of living, a life time of experiences and relationships was completely skipped.

Your little girl still dreams of falling in love, first kisses, first dance, dating, marriage, babies, but you are no longer a little girl, and your body has aged. You look around and slowly begin to realize that you no longer qualify for the norm, you no longer qualify for your little girl dreams. What happened?

You were busy surviving. The mass of life experiences and relational growth was traded for survival.  Little girl dreams and first dances passed you by. Now you have scars that are healing instead. A body that has out aged your mental state of mind. Grief for what never was and what never can be. Survival,  turned into a betrayal of your own mind and body against you, without even being aware of the magnitude of what you were loosing until it was gone. “But hey, at least you survived…. ”   Did I?

Because this place sure doesn’t feel like living. My choices seem to be disappearing with out my permission and my hopes are jumping off of cliffs while I scramble franticly trying to save them,  and my soul aches all the time. I feel like I’m just waking up and I have no idea how to relate to the world around me.  It’s all gone, all that time, all those years, gone.